dean's list 3.688

i told a very big secret.

gulab jamun

my brother's commercial was just on tv!

i don't wanna go to school.

Zoo Fun

yesterday i spent easter with karey's family and had a great time.



as my brother simply put it, i'm going to jew hell.

i wonder if that includes gefilte fish and endless rabbi fass sermons.

i hate project week. i have been awake for too many hours.

Right now I am not excited at all about my birthday. I'm 99% sure I will not be going to bed tonight; I have a ridiculous amount of work due tomorrow. I cannot express how thrilled I am that my nineteenth birthday kicks off the busiest week of the entire quarter. This is what I get for trying to make something of myself. Okay, it's not BAD, per say. I had a song played and, in a way, sang to me at the stroke of midnight in a car parked in the Sander parkinglot wishing me a happy birthday, along with reassurance that the oncoming weeks will be better than the last. Caryn's call was a pleasant surprise and made me smile for a long time after so my feelings are definitely on the positive side. She was the first to call and wish me a happy one; it was really good. I'm just trying to forget about all the responsibility I have and how I kind of dug a hole for myself. I'll find my way out... I hope.

So far this year has proven to be incredibly difficult for me. Since the turn of the year I have found myself in tears, hiding under blankets, petrified, and ready to go home. Life has continued to be like this for me almost continually until now. I’m ready for it to be over. A few certain people are pretty much ruining my life right now, and if they read this, which I know they will, they will know who they are. My love life is no longer a paradise like it used to be. Joe spends endless hours in the studio leaving no time to socialize with me. The last time I was in his bed was the morning of January 29th, when I was up at 7 to leave a sleeping and incoherent beauty for drawing class. I slept at their house, for I was babysitting, and they did not arrive home until 4.30 in the morning from their NYC weekend vacation. I hadn’t been back since until February 14th for about 2 minutes during a stop-over at the house to switch cars. On valentine’s day I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend (if you can even call him that anymore) and his best friend. Valentine’s Day 2006 has proven to be the worst one yet, and sadly enough, I had the highest hopes for the best. I don’t remember the last time we kissed. Well I do, but certainly not the date, and the mere fact that it really has been that long makes me want to cry. Here I’ve found this amazing person and I no longer get to spend my time with him. It used to be my way to escape everything and smile and laugh uncontrollably but life is no longer that beautiful; merely dreadful. I hate fighting for my time with him, competing with something that is obviously more important and more worthy of his time, and I see no finish line. That’s because there isn’t one. June 10th is the finish line. It seems as though I might run out of breath before then.

i can't sleep because i'm thinking about all the things i have to do tomorrow and the work that i let pile up due to bad decisions i have made. sundays are supposed to be a day of rest, but for me, that couldn't be farther from the truth. tomorrow especially, since i feel like i need to be here when joe and the boys get back from their trip; i am house/dog sitting, afterall. thinking about my "to do list" makes me want to rip out my hair and cry a little. i'm just thinking about last sunday when all i had to do were sketches and a watercolor of fabric and how i got done with that at 9. this week, i have shoe studies and an ideation to do in watercolor, along with a digital design project i've barely gotten a start on which is unjustly due on monday. no time was alotted for this project and every time i see april combs mann i curse. monday will be equally as stressful, for i believe another history paper is due and so far those have proven to be a great time consumer. my time management skills need to be worked on. today i could've easily sat down and done my drawing homework, but instead, i put on a skirt and sandals and drove around with the windows down and went shopping. why i did this still remains a mystery to myself, but at least i walked away with some nice stuff.

people are being loud outside and in the apartment below, and i strongly dislike sleeping here by myself. there is way too much stress in my life and not enough motivation. sometimes life is hard.

someone is crying downstairs.

tonight i cut myself on my leatherman, but i'm okay with that.

tonight was a little bit of ridiculous, mixed with a lot a bit of fun. the right people can make anything enjoyable, can make you smile at any moment, whether it's a foreign situation or not.


tonight i read a book titled, "he's just not that into you," and it sort of put thing into perspective, but at the same time, was really unclear. i'm not so sure i'm glad i read it. it makes me doubtful and hopeful at the same time and i'm not so sure i'm okay with that.


only time will tell.

today i spent 2 hours in the health center just to walk away with an ace bandage. i have tendonitis in my left foot, and it aches so badly all the time. there's a little flesh knot on the top of my foot. ibuprofin, 600 mg, three times a day, heat, elevation, ace bandage. i did get x-rays, though, which i thought was pretty neat. my feet bones are kind of crooked and it's a little funny.

i feel really overwhelmed with school right now. i'm counting down the days until i get to go home again and RELAX. well, maybe just for 2 days until i have to dive right back into work and get on my hands and knees and ladders and stools and paint and perform manual labor on my tired feet/foot. this stupid unnecessary arrest has left me in too much debt.

im bringing my little car back to school for the rest of the year after winter break and that makes me really happy. this is the kind of place where you need a car to have a life. i feel kind of trapped, but my little blue babe will set me free.

i have a date to walk my friend's dog. we're going to walk it to a sushi place and indulge in delicious food. well, we can't really WALK the dog to the sushi place, but we'll get there eventually, somehow.

my friend is confused, and in being confused, confuses me. this is confusing. he knows what he wants but doesn't want it just yet, and i respect that, but don't really understand. whatever. as long as he'll still be here for me when we get back from break, i'm okay.

i need to scan shit, print shit, burn shit, assemble shit, and i'm not doing any of that right now so i better go.

give thanks.

could i be anymore irresponsible?

this was written at 7:45:

boo to everything right now. well, everything since, eh, 30 minutes ago (5:17). some stupid shit and i can't register and i'm STRESSING OUT because i want my classes and its probably mainly because i know i'm going to be SO busy next quarter and i'm not ready for it. i'm looking for some serious cuddle-sessions without being harassed and commented at. that's enough comments from the peanut gallery. wow. i need a superhug.

the term "cuddle-sessions" and the fact that i actually used it in a sentence is making me want to kill myself right now.

i'm down to my last pair of earrings and it makes me really sad.

i'm also really sad that this weekend, pieces of my heart were stolen and who knows when, and if, i'll get them back. fortunately, i have others that can fill those spaces for me. they brush my hair out of my face and kiss my neck.


this was written at 10:48:

it snowed today and i loved it. i was a trashy little kid with her mouth open trying desperately to catch a flake on her tongue. i failed, but there will be plenty more opportunities for success.



i think the second part is better.

it's times like these that remind me of how stoopid life can be. it goes from being really funny, to really not funny; it's in constant fluctuation. it's just a huge inconvenience i now have to be a big girl and deal with. sometimes growing up is not fun. but there are good things in my life, and i just keep reminding myself of that. thursday at 5 o'clock i'll be released from this ball and chain and i can free-fall into the arms of the ones i love. this weekend i'll be surrounded by nothing but good feelings and arms of loved ones and smiles and anything else you can imagine that makes me feel in love with life. and then, monday morning, and 4 o'clock when i wake up to start my morning of hell, i'll be pitched back into the firey depths that are reality, making cincinnati a place i want to avoid and run away from, because that's where bad things happen to good people (at least at this point in time). but there are good people i like to spend my time with and look for when i'm walking across campus, just so i can smile the journey back to my cold dorm room where megan likes to keep all the windows open and blast her fan. she says she's always hot but she's always in a sweatshirt and most of the time, i just want to smack her across the face and say, "take off the fucking sweatshirt and maybe you'll cool down." i've been hating her since sunday morning, when after a long night and long day, a nap was being ensued and she decided "she can't live in filth" and decided she needed to clean. cleaning is good, but vacuuming is just rude. vacuuming the room when i'm tired and sad and pissed and not wanting to be awake. so for the rest of the day, when it was just me and her in the room i played obnoxious music really loudly to drown of the filth she listens to and refers to as "country music." it made me smile just a little bit.

i got arrested, and it sucked.

New pictures.

happy halloween